"Miss D-Angel"

While there are more stories to tell in Malawi, I am switching to my next destination, as I want to highlight the diversity of personal experiences that have come from my travels. My next destination: The Netherlands.

When I mention Holland to most people, they have two things to say: weed and the red light district. I thought to myself, why not look more into sex work and how it might relate to what I’m doing? There are so many misconceptions and judgments around this work area, and I wanted to shed light on them. I also wanted to examine the intersection between sexual violence and sex work. When people mention sex work, their minds go to several places. Most people would say sex trafficking. These two things are entirely different but often are thought of interchangeably. Despite this prevalent belief, most sex workers, especially in Holland, work as sex workers because they want to. Like anything else, it’s a job. Sex trafficking is done against someone’s will, whereas sex work is done voluntarily.

Of the many people I spoke to and interacted with, they looked at sex work as a form of healing and freedom. I encourage you to hear what they say and challenge your beliefs surrounding sex work. Not every single person I will write about has experienced harm directly or while working, but there are mentions of harm. These accounts are different from what I have written previously.

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I start with Miss D-Angel and her story. Angel is a dominatrix in Holland, and she works at a domination house. A dominatrix takes on the dominant role during BDSM (Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) activities. This does not necessarily include sex; I will discuss this later in another story I write.

Angel describes the work she does as busy. While working in the domination house, there are mainly submissives who come looking for a service. Angel feels in control while she works; she takes charge of the interaction and lets people know where they can touch her. She notes the safety that comes with working in a house with other people. There are people that help out if something goes wrong, which she told me doesn’t happen often but is always a possibility in her work.

Angel finds both freedom and control doing what she does. I asked her how she got into the job in the first place, and she expressed that she was always curious about it, and when she started doing it, she instantly fell in love with the agency it gave her. She also has a community in the people and the house she works in. These aspects of the job keep her fulfilled.

As we spoke more, she told me about a personal experience of sexual harm that impacted her life. When Angel was eleven years old, she met a 16-year-old boy she liked. Angel wanted to take things slow, as she wanted to be secure about their relationship before having sex. Angel was happy, but as time passed, her partner pressured her more often about having sex. Eventually, he gave Angel an ultimatum: have sex with me or never see me again. Angel knew her boundaries and said it was time for them to go their separate ways, as she was not ready to have sex.

He did not accept Angel’s choice and followed Angel into the park, where she would often walk her dog. He used the dog’s leash to tie Angel to a tree and proceeded to rape her. Despite the dog’s barking, no one saw what was happening.

Angel knew deep down that what happened was wrong, but she did not talk to anyone about it. She was embarrassed and felt that she was the one who did something wrong. She went on with school and attempted to bury the experience. When it was brought up in a school assembly a few months later, her experience felt acknowledged. She was now comfortable talking about this to her school counselor, who helped her press charges.

The case made it to trial, but the final sentencing was light. Angel took pictures of her wrists and the bruises she endured, and there was plenty of evidence to suggest that this person had raped her. However, like most cases of sexual violence globally, he was sentenced lightly: three months of community service. No protections were put in place to keep Angel safe, and she was expected to move on.

Being the resilient individual that she is, Angel sought out therapy as she had a lot to process after the incident and the trial. Nothing seemed to work for her until she discovered EMDR therapy. This method involves moving your eyes in a certain way while talking about or processing specific traumatic experiences. I am not a psychologist or expert in this area, but from my understanding, the goal is to connect new neural networks to traumatic experiences. Ask a professional for more details. Angel notes this as the main thing that helped her process her trauma.

We talked a bit more about how the work she engages in now may “fit” in with these experiences (not that it has to or does!). When Angel reached her thirties, she discovered BDSM and her kinks within this realm. She started as a switch (both submissive and dominant) but felt more free acting as a dominant, which led her to her profession today.

While not a direct step, being a dominatrix seems to have provided some healing and agency. When someone experiences harm, control and autonomy are taken away (in both the experience and in a trial), and it seems like being a dominatrix gives that power back while fostering a sense of community with people who’ve faced similar experiences.

Angel and I talked a little more about sex work and attitudes in general. While legal in Holland, the stigma surrounding any sex work (whether you work in the windows or a private brothel/house) still widely exists. For those who don’t know, a window is a pane of glass (think a locked glass door) behind which sit people selling sex (or something related to sex) to passing pedestrians. Google the Redlight District if you’re confused or want to learn more. While working in houses and windows is generally safe, as there are security, panic buttons, and cameras, people still experience harm or are touched outside their boundaries. Outside of their work, they are prejudiced by the police and general public. When people go to the police, they are often shamed and blamed for being sex workers. Their response is usually, “You’re a sex worker; what did you expect?” These sentiments also highlight the fact that legalization does not equal de-stigmatization. I hope to shed light on the radical ways that sex workers and activists are pioneering changes in attitudes to the general public.

Despite the negatives, the legalization aspect of sex work does grant a series of rights and access to things that wouldn’t be available otherwise. There are specific health centers set up just for sex workers, and it is a space where they can access counseling and STI testing whenever they’d like, free of charge.

I asked Angel why she thought the stigma still existed despite sex work being legal. She says that there is a disconnect or misunderstanding among people. People don’t understand that someone could like to do sex work. Angel says she can’t imagine doing anything else, as it is her passion. Many of the people that she works with say the same thing.

Angel mentioned the community of people she has met doing this work, which spans beyond the immediate domination house she works in. There are various online outlets where other sex workers can interact with one another and share experiences. While not in person, being able to share with others has made Angel feel more connected to the sex work community in Holland.