"Dexa and Druhi"

Sexual and domestic violence physically, emotionally, and psychologically affects the person directly experiencing the harm. Its destructive nature extends beyond the individual, impacting family, friends, and even communities. Dexa’s story highlights the ramifications violence has, not only to herself but also to her children.

Dexa married a man from a higher caste with the blessing of each side of the family. This is important to note, as intercaste marriage is very uncommon in Nepalese society. I am planning on writing about this in more detail as I find out more. From what I know now, discrimination based on caste was abolished years ago, but the societal implications of it are still found in society and affect things like marriage. The government offers money to people in a much higher caste if they marry into a lower one in an attempt to equalize things. I don’t know enough about it to make judgments yet, but I could reasonably infer that marrying into a higher caste, if you are a woman of a lower caste could create a certain power dynamic in the relationship, not only with the person you marry but also with the in-laws. I can’t say for sure that this is what happened in this story, but it is something to think about as you read Dexa’s story.

For a year, the two were happy together. After discovering that she was pregnant, Dexa’s husband suddenly became cold and hostile. He would drink most nights and come home and abuse her both physically and sexually. Even after their son was born, the abuse persisted. She became pregnant once again, and she hoped that a baby girl might lessen his violent behavior. Despite the pain, Dexa stayed. She stayed for her children and held onto the hope of his actions improving. She also worried about what her family would say and how she would financially support herself. Nonetheless, her husband’s alcoholic habits continued, deteriorating their finances and her mental health.

After holding out hope for as long as possible, Dexa and her children bravely left their home to go and live with her side of the family. She also did not find the supportive community that she needed there, as she felt pressured to go back to her husband, despite speaking the truth about what was happening. Her brother, sister, and parents all turned their backs on Dexa and her children when she needed to support the most. The National Women’s Commission of Nepal was finally able to refer her to an organization where she received the resources and help she needed. She now lives at one of the shelters, attempting to start a new life and get hired for a new job.

After the immense trauma, Dexa felt isolated, devoid of hope, and lost. She did not know how to process her experiences and provide for her children. On top of this, the divorce led to her losing her citizenship. Women cannot obtain citizenship unless it is under their father or husband. Dexa’s father is refusing to help her attain the correct documents to reinstate her citizenship. This law adds another obstacle to Dexa’s desire to work.

Through counseling and community, she is healing from the psychological and emotional pain her husband has put her through. Dexa has found a supportive community at the organization's shelter, as she has the space to talk about the violence that she has experienced. Through therapy and the community she has built, she feels more empowered and motivated to carve out a future for herself and her children. She has since received culinary training and is now resilient and secure enough to try and manage financially on her own through finding a job after she obtains her citizenship.

Dexa's son is at a youth shelter receiving an education, but Druhi stays with her mother. She is eight years old and is extremely bright. Watching her mother suffer abuse and violence has had a profound impact on her life, and she aims to break the cycle of violence through education. Education gives one the intellectual and financial freedom to break away from the patriarchal norm of being dependent on your husband or family.

The laws surrounding citizenship have come up in several of the narratives and experiences that I have encountered. I am currently trying to learn more about it and will update you once I know more. It seems as though if a husband or father is not cooperating in this way, the local and national government can grant citizenship if the woman can prove that she is from here and speaks fluent Nepali. At least there is some hope there, but this seems to be an obstacle for many women who are attempting financial and professional freedom.

Dexa’s story is an inspiring one, as it shows one can be resilient, even in the face of hopelessness and isolation. Being with people who believe you and want to help you is an example of how your immediate community can come together to support you, not only emotionally but also materially (i.e. citizenship, education, jobs, etc).