"Nirav"

“People think that we are very soft and that they can easily manipulate us and play with our feelings. I cannot fight back. Where do I go?” says 21-year-old Nirav. Nirav is a gay man living in the Kathmandu Valley after leaving his village home after high school. We spoke about his experiences with violence, abuse, and bullying throughout his life because of his identity.

Growing up, he was always confused about who he was and who he loved. “The kids at school and the teachers used to bully me and ask me about why I was feminine and why I walked in a certain way. It didn’t get any better in college because I had no friends. I felt lonely all the time.” Nirav told me that he was close with a few women in college but never felt like he could fully be himself.

“Right after high school, I met a man who was more mature than me; he was in his thirties. I didn’t even know that men could have sex with men at this point. I knew nothing about anal sex.” Nirav grew very fond of this man. He showed Nirav genuine care, took him out to eat, and spent time with him. One day, he called Nirav to his home. Nirav didn’t know the details about what intimacy and sex entailed, but he agreed to it as he thought they loved one another. He told me that he was confused and the pain he felr eas excruciating during sex. He then said this man stopped talking to him after the encounter. Nirav then told me that his man had given him HIV. “I felt alone. I had dreams and job goals, but I wanted to hide when I found out about this. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything. I felt betrayed.”

While Nirav consented to this intimate encounter, this man withheld truth and information from someone so young just because they were in a position of power and knew that there would be no repercussions. Because society views gay men as feminine, soft, and docile, they are abused. Nirav also said that there are few laws to protect LGBTQ communities are not enforced. “Perhaps women are not as accessible to certain men, and they feel like they can abuse my community because there are no consequences.”

It seems that there is still a long way to go in creating a society that accepts LGBTQ people as equal to straight people. Several times, Nirav refers to straight people as “normal.” This rhetoric comes from a lifetime of being othered. He hopes that awareness and LGBTQ education will lead to a change in perception for LGBTQ people. He also says that he likes walking by small children with his group of friends to socialize young people to those who do not fit into the “straight” norm. He also hopes that families can accept their children for who they are. “While organizations help my friends and me, maybe they can work to educate families so that they can understand people like me better.” He also says that a lack of laws and enforcement is a part of the problem. He believes that if people are held accountable for their actions, they are less likely to cause harm. Nirav also hopes that with the changing perceptions, there could be ways to create more opportunities in jobs. As you read these blogs, the inability to secure a job due to identity is shared. Due to this identity, Nirav is also unemployed and has trouble getting jobs, even with a college degree.

I asked Nirav what makes him feel empowered and what has helped him along the way. He said that he is proud to be himself when with other people from his community. Most of his friends are not out in their families and within the straight communities that they may belong. There is a heavy emphasis on family in Nepal, which drives many of Nirav’s gay friends to marry women to avoid “shaming” their families. Nirav also says, “I am fearful walking by myself, but when I am with a big group of my friends, I can be free.” He uses power to describe his community and how being with them makes him feel. Nirav also shared that he is more accepting of himself and more confident since meeting other gay people. This makes him feel less alone and reminds him that there are who are similar to him.

As people understand and accept themselves, we create spaces for the difference. However, it is not only up to the communities themselves to enact change. It seems like Nirav is on a journey of understanding himself and who he is. He has a community by his side living in their power and identity. The more they can stand in their power, the more they can talk about and understand their experiences of violence. In understanding, there is resistance to a culture and society that harms those who do not fit within the “mold.”